The Golden Rule

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

This post has been in the making for a couple weeks now. I've had the idea in my head and have been mulling over and over the best way to talk about my feelings on this subject. Basically, respect is important. We all want to be respected and (hopefully) to be respectful, we also want to teach our kids this. Furthermore, I think we can all agree that the best way to teach a child anything is through example. For those that are religious, even Jesus Christ himself said to lead through example. So why, why, why would we not treat our children with the same respect that we grant to other adults?

I know people here are thinking, "well, because they are children, not adults." But what I believe is that, yes, they are children, but they are also people. My 14 month old is as much a person as your 6 month old and your newborn baby and your grandma and grandpa. Logically, it follows that treating our children with respect, just like we treat those around us, and they will in turn learn to behave with respect. To me, this means that I respond to Victor as though he were already grown and could fully explain to me what is going on. If he has a tantrum, I sit with him and I tell him, "I'm sorry you are upset/frustrated/angry. I love you very much and would like to keep you safe." Or some close version thereof depending on what caused the tantrum, typically it is me trying to keep him from taking something he doesn't need to have. As he gets older I intend to teach him better ways to expend his energy like the pushing game and other great ways that turn bottled up emotion into a game and even a bonding experience. If anyone is interested in learning more about using play to parent and even discipline, I HIGHLY suggest reading Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen. It's amazing.

I also think that the best way to enjoy my time with him each day is to make it as tantrum-free and toddler-friendly as possible. Our house is about 90% toddler proof. The things that he can get to that we can't avoid, we simply teach him that it is not ok to play with. For instance, he loves to touch the garbage can. Gross, I know. But I have yet to figure out a really good way of getting it out of reach since it won't fit in the cabinets. Anyway, he will run over to it and try to lift the lid so he can look inside. At this point I'll say something along the lines of "Mister Victor! could you please put that down? it's yucky!" While I say this I will make funny voices or have the teddy bear/bunny say it. 9 times out of 10 he will put it down and come chase me from the room while giggling madly. I try very hard not to use the word "no" a lot. I prefer to say "No, sir!" or "not for Victor!" while handing him something more appropriate, or if it's more serious, "Please Don't!" or the deadly serious "Mr. Meyers!" I'm hopeful that by avoiding the word "no" as much as possible we will in turn avoid hearing it ourselves as he gets older and more verbal. I also believe that speaking to him with respect will teach him to speak with respect.

I love to play like this with him. I believe playtime is sooo important. Whenever I'm trying to cook, he inevitably pulls at my legs and fusses and fusses to be picked up. Often, I do just that. I know he is just interested and wants to know what I'm doing so I let him see. I've become very good at doing things one-handed. Sometimes when he's particularly hard to please I sill simply stop what I'm doing and sit down on the floor. Doing this and spending just a few minutes playing with him will often re-set him and he will be fine to play by himself again for a little while until I can finish what I was doing.

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

- Lane Olinghouse

Now, it's not to say I never get frustrated trying to respond to him in the gentlest way I know how. Today for instance; we were playing on the bed getting ready for naptime. He found the remote control for the TV and whacked me in the face with it. Hard. So hard that I was tearing up and my cheekbone and nose were vibrating. I picked him up and put him down on the floor where he couldn't fall down and walked away into the bathroom. I let myself tear up for a minute while I inspected the damage in the mirror. I determined I would live with minimal scarring (hee hee, not even a bruise) and then knelt down to talk to Victor. He was very concerned, he had followed me to the bathroom and I'm sure he could tell something was wrong because he was just standing in the doorway looking at me. He kept saying, "Ma? Ma!" So when I knelt down, I hugged him. I told him I knew he hadn't meant to hurt me and that he had just gotten excited. I apologized that I hadn't removed the item that was not appropriate and asked him to help me remember. Now, I know that this probably sounds silly to a lot of you. After all, he's only 14 months old, he has no idea what I'm talking about for the most part! But I strongly believe, that even at this age he is absorbing more than we realize and as he gets older he will understand and will be able to use it because he's been hearing positive statements/releases for so long.

Children watch the way we react to things and learn from them. If I had started swearing or gotten angry with him all he would have learned is that those actions are acceptable and that that is the right way to deal with anger. By removing myself and giving a second to calm down myself, I was much better prepared to deal with the Respect I wished to show him. I want to treat him this way always. I want to remember that he is a person with real feelings. That just because he can't express them yet, doesn't make them irrelevant. Just because he can't tell me why he wakes up at night, doesn't mean I will ignore it. Just the opposite, I will respond quickly and positively in order to teach him that mommy is there for him. After all, if Matt were crying and calling out for me at night I wouldn't ignore him. The only difference between the 2 scenarios is that my husband can express to me what is wrong and a baby cannot. To me this means that a child's cry must be responded to consistently and lovingly because we have no way of knowing what the child needs unless we are tuned in. And yes, I believe that a snuggle is a need. Don't you ever need a good snuggle?

To me this is respect. Treating my husband, my child and everyone else the way I would like to be treated in return. Some day I hope that all the world will believe in this principle.


~~On that note, I would like to say that before you comment, please remember that these are my opinions and philosophies. This is the way that Matt and I choose to parent and it works wonderfully for us. I understand that many families have different ways of parenting and those methods work wonderfully for them, everyone is different and must choose their own way. This is simply ours. Please respond with respect. Thank you.~~